I know what you're thinking right now. I should really shorten my post titles, seeing as in a real magazine no one would ever think to print an article with a 10-word title.
Luckily this is not a magazine and I am a long-haired non-writer who enjoys the use of words and long titles and even longer introductions completely unrelated to the post.
So long hair, huh?
I've longed (AHH-HHAA, no she DIDN'T!) for years to get my hair to boob-coverage length, refused to have a hair cut for the last 732 days and have, on a good day, used the likes of repair-masks and heat protection spray to achieve this profound life goal. (I even tried coconut oil on my ends but hell does the smell annoy me after a while...)
I am now at Chloe Sevigny pre "Tomboy" collection length and enjoying the flicking up with both hands and the beach waves that actually look like beach waves and not like crinkle cut fries anymore. The pleasures of having long hair do outweigh the pains BUT I was and am still completely and utterly shocked about my very own lack of knowledge about and ignorance towards exactly those pains. In fact I am perplex enough to turn it into a post. Yes. yes. yes.
ANNOYANCE NUMBER 1 - YOU WILL EAT THEM
Windy day at the beach and you're craving an ice cream? Well, you're sucked in because you forgot a hair band and your hair is wilder than that one time someone in Kindergarten rubbed a balloon on your head for 5 minutes. Unless you want hair ice cream (flavor: Argan oil ugh) you will most likely have to look for a less creamy alternative, but beware that consuming foods of any kind in windy conditions really is a risk when being a long-haired creature. No shampoo add tells you this shit.
ANNOYANCE NUMBER 2 - IT WILL GET CAUGHT A LOT. IN A LOT OF THINGS.
Apart from the mouth (see above), it gets caught in your arm pits when you walk. I've confirmed with at least 15 other luscious locks - sporting females and YES it happens to everyone. If you're one lucky hairy motherfucker your strands will make their way to your arm pit, then straight back to your mouth or whip your face if your car window is down. Hygiene everyone. Good stuff. Speaking of cars: I get my hair caught regularly in the car door. Note to self: Sit down less briskly to create no maine-momentum.
A few other things I get my hair caught in: Fridge, handbag straps, phone cases, wedding ring, wrist watch, seat belt, front door, weights at the gym, sunglasses, hats, caps, head bands
ANNOYANCE NUMBER 3 - A DUBIOUS HAIR KNOT WILL FORM AT YOUR NECK
Yeah, what is this shit all about? I had to get my man-friend to brush this mysteriously re-appearing knot out of my head bush the other day, because it was so thick and so crazy I had nothing, NOTHING on it. It's that kind of crazy knot you usually only see on a dog's butt, when he's rolled in poop or pooped itself. I can't recall consciously rolling in poop ever, so how, HOW does this repeatedly happen in the exact same spot over a time frame of 9 hrs or so? I have my theories but further investigation is underway. Until then, let's just remain with: It sucks a bag of doodles.
ANNOYANCE NUMBER 4 - YOU WILL WHIP YOURSELF IN THE FACE AT THE GYM
This is exactly the reason why I will never wear a braid to the gym. It's already pure, raw danger to your face, especially the eyes, to have long hair and have it in a pony tail. Imagine the force a braid could accumulate and then unleash. If you've ever done box jumps or a variation of them you must be with me on that one. Serious face whipping, no matter how complex your hair style, is completely unavoidable, unless you're not doing your exercises properly. Oh, and you also pull your hair on the squat rack. Adds to the sensation of cruel pain, I suppose.
ANNOYANCE NUMBER 5 - YOU CAN'T SEE PROPERLY EVER
You bend over to find your keys in your handbag - all your hair falls in your face and acts as a see-proof curtain
You bend over your smart phone, computer etc - hair from the left and the right of your face frames whatever picture/article you're looking at
You want to take a photo with an actual camera (the one you have to hold to your eye hole to see) - hair gets in the way
You bend over your shoulder to talk to someone - can't see outside corner of the room cause of HAIR, which can possibly lead to awkward conversation ("This is XYZ" in the corner there!" - "Who the fuck are you talking about?")
So what's the moral of the story?
Yes, you might suffer excruciating pain from time to time due to knots and whips and getting those strands caught on everything. Yes, you will most definitely miss out on seeing lots of things with a veil of hair decreasing your field of vision dramatically. You will also have to justify that this is your real hair and not extensions at least twice a day. But think of all the good things: The passionate grabbing with both hands, the flipping back of wet hair at the beach, the funny things you can do with it (or choose not to do with it), how nicely they fall on your back and how easily you can tie them up to a knot when they annoy the shit out of you. And on a bad hair day (wtf man, just tie it up, no biggie! I hate that a term like this actually exists!) just remember that the real purpose of hair is to contribute to the regulation of temperature of your head so your brain doesn't explode on a very hot summer day.
Hooray!
