August 15, 2013

Teenage idiot pt 1

Loving the title, are you?
Here's a new series I would like to introduce and if you're not into awkwardness and ridicule, please steer away from this and future posts because really, this is where it's at.

Today I'm exploring a series of quite substantial crushes I had on front mans of several national and international (I'm looking at you, 2004 Brandon Boyd) bands when I hit the young age of 14. I had dreams of high quality rock star marriage and being the awesome sidekick on tour, who always supplied the band with soy lattes and Fiji water bottles (weren't my aspirations tremendous?) and who would get to lay the hot hot singer every damn night (at a time I had not a remote idea how horrendously weird some of these guys were. Ugh dodged a bullet. Or a butt plug. Who knows?) With amazement and horror do I look back at the naivety that accompanied me not only through ridiculous yet awesome day dreams, but also some of the actual not-so-awesome real life relationships that followed these dreams. If only I could go back in time and tell myself, what a fucking idiot I was.... (aaaaaaaa I know this interlude is so bad it hurts but damn am I feeling it today!!!!)

Hey 14 year old self: You really need to shake up your definition of a suitable mating partner and possible permanent life enhancer. Your dreams are far from reality. You think a whimsical, pretty artsy boy is going to enrich your mind with his creativity and emotion, will write songs for you and give so many fucks about you it will huuuurt oooh. He will take weird analogue photos of you when you're asleep and stroke your hair when you wake and will spoil you with riches that only a mastermind of the musical sorts can provide. Well, reality is there is no such thing as an exclusive relationship with a touring musician. Really, they're a rarity with common men of the unimpressive type but you're gonna find out about that soon enough.
 What do you think is bound to happen on tour, when there are hoards of good looking ladies and gentlemen lined up by a tour bus, patiently waiting to be inseminated? How many times were you unsuccessfully approached by one of these scumbags straight off stage because you smiled and had a good time during the concert? Some of these clowns were even married! Heart break aside, think of all the STDs for crying out loud!!!  Also, and I would like to put this out there once and for all,  there is NOTHING more awkward than someone writing a song for you, then playing it to you, then asking you what you think. You think it's romantic shit until it actually happens to you. Try to hide that horror face!
14 year old self - please listen: Never ever wearing a shirt when the rest of your band is completely, fully clothed is NOT hot! It's ridiculous at the best and a huge sign of major narcissim at the worst of times. Imagine taking your rock star man friend to dinner with your parents, only to be anxious the whole time about wether or not the idiot is going to leave his shirt. Does that sound like fun? Does IT? What I'm really trying to tell you is: you should probably consider picking up the guitar again yourself. What is it with this lack of ambition anyway? You don't need some clown to write a song for you or be all creative around you, you've got all that inside yourself. You want someone to write a song for you? You've written dozens and recorded them on your crappy phone! They might not be all masterpieces but at least you can be honest with YOURSELF about that and don't have to fake-praise and then have instant distraction sex to avoid awkwardness. Go back, improve or find another creative outlet (you like photography and writing, remember?) but don't let your happiness depend on someone else or something that (if you're lucky!!) is never bound to happen.

You can only be with a rock star if you're a rock star yourself. But luckily you'll find out about that as well...